The Best Way

I was inspired to create this blogpost following a conversation with some of my lovely, intelligent, compassionate girlfriends the other day, wherein I was surprised that they all seemed to truly believe that physical punishment (spanking) is a necessary part of parenting. Because each child is different, sometimes they won't respond to anything else. There really is no "best" way, they vacillated. Unfortunately, this clinging to justifications for spanking is done by the majority though it is not based in logic or empirical evidence. (As in the common, "I was spanked and turned out just fine." Is that because of or in spite of being spanked?)

Perhaps I should first admit that my personal experience makes me skeptical that much of the spanking parents believe they are using in a pure and holy way is actually abusive. I know that good intentions don't have much of anything to do with the message the child receives. That just because a child forgives quickly does not mean there is no scar. And even my idealistic interest pondering how to have greater world peace/build Zion plays a role in the uncovering this truth about punishing children. (See the Bomb in the Brain series sometime.) But you have a different history, different biases, and perhaps have had no reason to seek out a different perspective. It is my hope that providing both spiritual and empirical data may persuade you to stop spanking (or even overtly coercing) your children. 

"I thought that it was the job of a parent to make children behave. You see, once you define yourself as an authority, a teacher or parent, in the culture that I was educated in, you then see it as your responsibility to make people that you label a “child” or a “student” behave in a certain way. I now see what a self-defeating objective this is, because I have learned that any time it’s our objective to get another person to behave in a certain way, people are likely to resist no matter what it is we’re asking for. This seems to be true whether the other person is 2 or 92 years of age.This objective of getting what we want from other people, or getting them to do what we want them to do, threatens the autonomy of people, their right to choose what they want to do. And whenever people feel that they’re not free to choose what they want to do, they are likely to resist, even if they see the purpose in what we are asking and would ordinarily want to do it." from Raising Children Compassionately by Marshall Rosenburg in the book Everything Voluntary, compiled by Skyler J. Collins

"We may be tempted to focus our energies on overcoming children’s resistance to our requests and getting them to do what we tell them. If we’re not careful, this can become our primary goal. We may find ourselves joining all those people around us who prize docility in children and value short-term obedience above all." from Introduction to Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn

Ironically the most agreed upon finding in all social-psychological research is that there are NO positive correlations to spanking. None. And they are talking about the benign definition of spanking, where it is done sparingly and no harm is intended. I say ironic because many parenting books and magazines flatly ignore it, and thus promulgate the false relativist position. Please watch this video (also available here with footnotes) to see for yourself the facts:

The top comment (last I saw) for that video on YouTube is something like: That's all well and good, but what are parents supposed to do instead?! If you've read Love & Logic, you know that author's approach to respecting and reasoning with your kids. I think L&L is helpful, but I feel it remains overtly coercive, often suggesting creative consequences to manipulate the child rather than allowing true natural consequences from God, if any, or to simply ask yourself: "Is my position on this the only correct one?"

"I’ve had plenty of opportunity over the years to discuss this issue with parents, and I’m pleased with how people can be helped to see the limitations of any kind of punishment, if they’ll simply ask themselves two questions.
Question number one: What do you want the child to do differently? If we ask only that question, it can certainly seem that punishment sometimes works, because certainly through the threat of punishment or application of punishment, we can at times influence a child to do what we would like the child to do. However, when we add a second question, it has been my experience that parents see that punishment never works. 
The second question is: What do we want the child’s reasons to be for acting as we would like them to act? It’s that question that helps us to see that punishment not only doesn’t work, but it gets in the way of our children doing things for reasons that we would like them to do them." from Raising Children Compassionately by Marshall Rosenburg

In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints we are taught that Jesus values agency over obedience, wants us to love others as we love ourselves (Mark 12:30-31), asks us to be like Him (Matthew 5:48, 3 Nephi 12:48), and to that end has given much instruction and example about children, as Boyd K. Packer taught:

There is much in the scriptures about little children. The Psalmist wrote, “Children are an heritage of the Lord” (Ps. 127:3
The Savior gave the ever-familiar plea, “Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of heaven” (Mark 10:14).
When His disciples asked, “Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven? … Jesus called a little child unto him, and set him in the midst of them, and said, … Whosoever … shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoso shall receive one such little child in my name receiveth me” (Matt. 18:1–5).
Then came this warning: “But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea” (Matt. 18:6).
To me, the most impressive lesson is in the Book of Mormon. Jesus “commanded that their little children should be brought. “So they brought their little children and set them down upon the ground round about him, and Jesus stood in the midst; …“He commanded the multitude that they should kneel down upon the ground.
“And it came to pass that when they had knelt upon the ground, Jesus groaned within himself, and said: Father, I am troubled because of the wickedness of the people of the house of Israel. …
“He himself also knelt upon the earth; and behold he prayed unto the Father, and the things which he prayed cannot be written, …
“And no tongue can speak, neither can there be written by any man, neither can the hearts of men conceive so great and marvelous things as [they] both saw and heard Jesus speak; …
“And they arose from the earth, and he said unto them: Blessed are ye because of your faith. And now behold, my joy is full.
“And when he had said these words, he wept, and the multitude bare record of it, and he took their little children, one by one, and blessed them, and prayed unto the Father for them.
“And when he had done this he wept again;
“And he … said unto them: Behold your little ones. …
“And they saw the heavens open, and they saw angels descending out of heaven as it were in the midst of fire; and they came down and encircled those little ones about, and they were encircled about with fire; and the angels did minister unto them” (3 Ne. 17:11–15, 17, 20–24).There is more, much more, in the scriptures about little children. 

President Boyd K. Packer in General Conference 1986

And yet, for some reason when it comes to parenting our children we tend to get more Old Testamenty than New. When I've talked with others about spanking never once have I heard the Savior's example mentioned. I do hear the line "Heavenly Father punishes us" though. (Really? Let's take a look...) Sometimes our justification comes straight from the OT, verses such as Proverbs 13:24 which reads “He that spareth his rod hateth his son; but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes” colloquially said "spare the rod, spoil the child." This may have stumped you, but I hope it's not news to my fellow Latter-day Saints that "rod" in Hebrew can be translated as "word of God".  

"Although neither of us is a Hebrew scholar, we used several concordances to look at how and where the word rod is used in the Old Testament. We then double-checked our findings with a Hebrew scholar. We found in Micah 6:9 and Isaiah 11:4, for example, that the exact same word for rod in Hebrew was referred to as “the word of God” just as we read in first Nephi 15:23-24 where the rod is referred to as the “word of God.”We also looked at what a good shepherd uses a rod for. The shepherd’s rod is never used for beating sheep. Instead, it is used to ward off intruders; to count sheep as they “pass under the rod” (Lev. 27:32; Ezek. 20:37); to part the wool to examine for defects, disease, or wounds; and to nudge sheep gently from going in the wrong direction. The rod is viewed as a protection. In perhaps the most memorable reference to a rod in the scriptures, David, who was once a shepherd himself, said, “thy rod and thy staff they comfort me” (Ps. 23:4), a passage we would never confuse with any kind of harsh punishment or beating." from fabulous article by Craig C. Hart, chair of Marriage, Family, and Human Development at BYU.

*I was just told (by a private commenter) that there is a whole free book available to further help us understand about using "the rod". Available here.* And all proof I find demonstrates that Latter-day Saint prophets do NOT support the punishment connotation, either.

"I have never accepted the principle of “spare the rod and spoil the child.” I will be forever grateful for a father who never laid a hand in anger upon his children. Somehow he had the wonderful talent to let them know what was expected of them and to give them encouragement in achieving it." from President Gordon B. Hinckley (General Conference, October 1994 

“Use no lash and no violence. . . but approach them with reason, with persuasion and love unfeigned. . . The man who will be angry at his boy, and try to correct him while he is in anger, is in the greatest fault. . . You can only correct your children by love, in kindness, by love unfeigned, by persuasion, and reason.” President Joseph F. Smith (Gospel Doctrine pp316-317, 1963)
“Kind words and loving actions towards children will subdue their uneducated nature a great deal better than the rod, or, in other words, than physical punishment." Brigham Young (Deseret News Weekly, Dec. 7, 1864, p2) On another occasion he added, “Let the child have a mild training until it has judgment and sense to guide it. I differ with Solomon’s recorded saying as to spoiling the child by sparing the rod.”(Journal of Discourses, 9:195-96) In making this bold statement of truth, Brigham Young was not in line with the thinking and practices of the 19th century... 
Sometimes, the way a parent disciplines his or her children has more to do with the parent’s needs, convenience or even vanity, than with the child’s actions. To quote Brigham Young again, “I have seen more parents who were unable to control themselves than I ever saw who were unable to control their children.” (Deseret News Semi-Weekly, July 12, 1870, p2) The research clearly shows that anger is more likely associated with tendencies toward coercion, venting, and hostility, meaning it’s easier for parents to lose control if they’re more inclined to use coercive or authoritarian forms of discipline (i.e., yelling, demeaning, unreasonably harsh consequences, etc).
This is one area, in particular, where the example we set as parents will likely have longlasting effects. Our ability to act as disciples of Christ, showing forth long-suffering, gentleness, meekness and love unfeigned (see D&C 121:41), will teach our children by example these principles of successful family relationships. President David O. McKay said, “Children are more influenced by the sermons you act than by the sermons you preach.” (In Conference Report, April 1955, p26)  from article by Craig C. Hart.

I like this thought from a Christian Unschooling blog:

"By demanding certain rules be followed, we miss the opportunity to allow our children to naturally grow from mimicry, to making choices for themselves. When we attempt to exert our will over another to create a limit or boundary to their behavior, whether our child, or someone else, we are doing something that God Himself does not even do.  We are bound by natural laws – we cannot simply flap our arms and fly away for example – but our behavior is governed by our own internal controls.  God does not MAKE us do anything."

Going forward with the idea of no punishment is going to take some faith, and a lot of pondering. It's going to take some major patience as we start respecting our child's autonomy and their ability to think for themselves and learn from mistakes. It's probably going to take some humbling of our own egos and repenting, as habits are hard to break. And frustration because there are some children that it seems near impossible to reason with. But if it's not worth all that pondering, praying, and talking, it's certainly not worth hitting!

I absolutely love Alfie Kohn's book/DVD Unconditional Parenting for more well-researched thoughts about respecting your kids as you raise them, and highly recommend Naomi Aldort's book Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves which walks you through all types of situations with examples of how to think and react differently to children at any age.

I know God is the author of all Truth and believe that we are only accountable to the laws and truth which we know and understand. I am so grateful for all that I have stumbled upon so far in my sojourn. May the angels that surround our children help us in our quest to parent in a way that is truly "the best."